‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the store
Not an item was discounted, not even a drawer;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were waiting all snug in their threads,
While visions of X-boxes danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a Christmas shopper’s nap,
When up on the riser there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the line to see what was the matter.
Up to the display I flew like a flash,
Tore past the elves and knocked down the sash.
The lights on the piles of the fake-plastic snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so sluggish and thick,
I knew it must be the mall’s incontinent St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his options they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Foley! now, Texas! now, Tena and Depends!
On, Condom! on Corman! on, Poise and Attends!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
So up to the mall-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of pee, and St. Nicholas too.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the hall a new St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all burnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his crown,
Gave me to know there was a better option in town;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his seat,
And welcomed the children; who asked for a sweet,
Calling me closer, he told me his quest,
‘Forget about diapers, opt for the best;
‘Men’s Liberty’s the key to sitting for hours,
No leaks at all and no more wet trousers!
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere we walked out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a dry-night.”